It’s a funny thing this running malarkey, unless of course I am writing about it. Especially today. This one is getting all the crap out the system that’s been building up recently. It’s cathartic, really. Even though it makes Eastenders seem like an Adam Sandler movie. I don’t expect many if any of you to read any further if you actually got this far to begin with.

Running. So many ups and downs, and the ups when they come are like the greatest legal high that could ever exist. The downs? Man they hurt.

I’ve been lucky, I know I have been, to have had a couple of great years where I have exceeded my expectations and probably my ability too. It’s strange because you do start to approach things differently. Somehow you start challenging in events, getting selected for teams and that does, whether you realise it or not, or want it or not, affect you. Different stresses. A target is on your back though you want to tell folk to aim a bit higher than someone who had just got lucky. You naturally start to aim higher too.

Here’s the thing. I had what I thought was a really good training block aiming towards a fast 10k and thought I had a good plan, and was going well. But come the race days I was way off where I had hoped. Having already had an entry in for Stirling 10k when the International XC trial date was announced I decided to stick with my plan anyway. I thought I could trouble my PB and maybe even run under 35 minutes. Maybe then I could catch the selector’s eye having PBd over 5000m, 10k, 10 mile and marathon already this year winning Scottish and British medals along the way, but I was way off where I thought I would be. I felt embarrassed that I had even put in a note of interest for the team and it was no surprise to not even be in consideration as a reserve. It’s bad enough to realise yourself that you aren’t where you’d like to be, and that even if you were you aren’t good enough, but having it confirmed by others is a bit sore. My arse is still sore from the fall.

The races. Cumbernauld 10k I have done before, I ran an “at the time” PB of 35.31 there in 2019. As step one in my 4 race aim I hoped to try and get near that course PB but on the day I was a mile off. It was warm and windy and I simply didn’t get moving. Within a k or so I was in between groups and for 8k I ran on my own hating every minute. I never got moving at all. Team mate Chris wasn’t far ahead with a k to go and I managed to up my pace to take him on over the last 500 to finish the first M50 but in a time of 36.33. Almost a minute and a half slower than my last 10k in April. No idea where it had all gone wrong to be fair. I thought I was running better, training better, but there was just nothing in the legs. No excuses, I simply wasn’t good enough for what I wanted to achieve. This is a recurring theme here. I really didn’t enjoy it at all.

The next week was Stirling 10k.  Months ago this had been PB aim day. This was where my training was going to give me a sub 35. Instead on race day I was going out with a target of sub 36, which at least would be progress on the previous week. At least I could try and be competitive in the M50s event but within 3k there were more than a few well ahead. I just couldn’t compete. The legs weren’t moving. The head wasn’t fighting. Through halfway a lot slower than I would have wished for and even beating my time from Cumbernauld was going to be a big ask. To be fair I did manage to get the bit between my teeth and push on a bit the second half and passed a few folk I knew were in the 50s. Last K and big Tim from Edinburgh not far ahead but did I ever think I could catch him? No. Did I fight for it? No. I closed without giving it real effort and finished 3 seconds behind him, 3 seconds behind the M50 title in a time of 36.02. I didn’t sleep that night to be honest because I was so annoyed with myself. I put a marker in my training diary which said “Mentally blew it. Remember how this felt and don’t be such a bloody wimp again.” I don’t know why I didn’t take him on. It’s better to try and fail, (which to be honest would have been the most likely scenario), than to regret not having tried.  Failing to go sub 36 summed the run up as well. Great event though, and I’ll definitely be back. Empire biscuit for the win.

To be honest no idea where it’s all going wrong. Maybe it’s age and it’s as good as it is going to get. It was going to come at some stage, it happens to us all, still difficult when it does though. By this stage my 10k dream gone and my stupid, like really stupid, XC dream had gone too (really, what was I thinking, who actually did I think I was? I am actually cringing thinking that I thought I could get in that team), so what now? Next race was to be the flat ‘n fast 5k race and I had put in a sub 17 predicted time so was due to be in the race of people running 15.30 – 16.59. Wasn’t even confident I could break 17.30 so emailed organisers to get put into a different race. A distant last in a sub 17 race would have probably put me over the edge at this point. I did Strathclyde parkrun to see where I was and ran solid enough coming in in 17.31, so again not far off where I thought I was, and possibly a little better than I had ran the couple of weeks before. I have to address the positives. OK I am not where I wanted to be, or where I used to be and those ships have sailed now but let’s just try and get the best out of myself and start enjoying it again. Positives, my last three runs I have got a little better each time. So lets’ go into the 5k and try keep that going. Let’s get under the 17.30. In fact let’s go out and race them. It’s race day and out of the 60 on the start list there are 26 people in the race looking to run 17.30 or under, in fact 13 looking to run 17.15 or faster. Maybe I can get a tow round, I just need to keep the focus and not let the head beat me.

Now if this was Hollywood there would be a slowmo montage of me (probably played by Danny Devito) ripping through the field to take the tape, spraying champagne over adoring crowds on the podium as inspirational music plays but believe me, Linlithgow isn’t Hollywood… But man, I had an absolute blast. Simply the most I have enjoyed a race in a long, long time. It’s on a cycle circuit, 5 laps and an extra wee bit to make up the distance, and was indeed flat, and was fast. From the gun three young lads were well away but I was trying to get a tow round by a second group containing some really fine runners. People were really going for it, Iain Craven from Edinburgh was right in the mood, and a few times I was falling off the back then having to work to hang back on again. The front 3 were a good 25-30 seconds ahead, and my pal David from Pitreavie (who went on to smash his PB) had a lead over our group in 4^th but I was probably sitting somewhere between 10^th and 15^th at the midway point. The floodlights had come on, the crowd were fantastic. I was getting great support which really helped me and with two to go I decided to put my Stirling demons behind me and go for it. The front 3 are gone, but I want to be the best of the rest. I actually wanted to race and I hit the front of the group. I chased after David and I am in 4^th. I listen to the commentary which tells me I have jumped the group and only Niamh Carr has come with me. A 1500m runner is on my tail as we go onto the last lap of around 960m or so. Ooops.  I’m in the mood to race though, I’m not throwing in the towel this time. I remember what I told myself, it’s better to try and fail. My wee battle is bringing us closer to the front 3, that 25 or 30 seconds behind 3^rd is maybe now 15 seconds.

Give it a go Marko.

And I give it a go. It’s a ridiculous distance to try and pull back but there’s nothing wrong with trying. Looking at the results afterwards I have made up 10 seconds on 3^rd on that last lap and I manage to hold off Niamh and finish only 2 seconds down on not just 3^rd but also 2^nd. I gave it a right go to catch them and failed. No complaints. That felt so much better than that meek finish at Stirling. Aye at least I could look at myself in the mirror after this one. 17.05 and a much better run than I have had in ages and the most enjoyable race I have had in ages. Because I raced with no fear, no expectation and just for the love of it.   Well done to the Stride Athletics team, a brilliant event and one I will definitely do again.

EDIT: Another load of pictures have appeared, so I will just stick them on here.

So we are about to go into the cross country season. I’ll put my name in for the relays for the club ready to do my best if required. My big problem now is focus. I am the sort of person who needs one, or at least an idea of what distances I want to be running. I really don’t know where I want to go now, as I usually always have a plan and a target. Last year I was looking forward to being a part of an international team, I was with an awesome training group looking forward to the indoors and then coming out of that had my sub 3 marathon target. This year there are no indoors, I have no training group anyway, and the marathon has been done and dusted with the logistics for London looking too difficult for me to manoeuvre. For many a blank canvas is exciting but for me it’s frightening.

On a positive note though I really enjoyed that race on Friday. If I can keep that going then I won’t go far wrong because that is what it is all about. I just need to find out, for me, what will keep those enjoyable racing juices flowing.

The song has to be Tears of a Clown. Obvious reasons.

Thanks to the following for Photos. Kevin Farmer, me, Stirling 10k, Gordon Humphreys, Sean Casey, Iain Crawford, @henrydaisuke