It Might be Time – a new kind of maranoia

I wrote my last blog a month ago, on 3rd February. Since then I have run 227 Miles and most of my sessions have hit the mark, but oooft it has not been easy. The last marathon I did I had to train through the Beast from the East but this has been worse as it just hasn’t ended over the last month. Storm after storm, Brendan did the warm up and checked out the area for his pal Ciara who was happy to tag Dennis who then suggestively pinched Jorge’s backside and one after the other they were dancing over my marathon dream.

But I and many others weren’t for giving up.

Yes we had to reign some stuff in, the LT session on ice just wasn’t happening and hitting blizzards over the Blackhill transmitters when experiencing every possible weather in the space of a two hour run was a real experience. But we fought on.

Get it roon ye ya wee weather fud.

Starting a run around 6 on a Sunday morning to try and avoid 50 mile an hour winds as you have planned a 3 hour time on feet run (it worked, 23.5 miles before the wind went crazy). It’s what we do, we adjust when we want it and we might not get it but it won’t be for lack of trying.  Doing 1k reps in under 3.20 the same week that I did only my second sub 1.25 half marathon, and that was solo into a Jorge’s arms as part of a long run.

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Recovery runs done right too, my slowest parkrun since 2011 just having an easy run gabbing to some good people. With empire biscuits.

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I am working as hard as I can but that new maranoia is kicking in.

No it’s not a fear of injury though I have had a niggle in my big toe ( a new one for me)

No it’s not the fear of the distance, I’m better prepared.

Fear of failure? Doesn’t phase me, I’ll get in the best shape I can and know the distance doesn’t owe me a thing.

Fear of what other people think if it all goes wrong? Nah, I am fresh out f’s as they say. Gave them up for lent.

This is a new one, the fear that I won’t even get to run, to give it its full name Maranoiacoronavirusism.

This really is a real new one, a potential pandemic and Japan/ France have already scaled down or cancelled races. Boris and his merry (wo)men have been in Boris’s Bunker deciding the battle plan and rumours emerging are of a limit of crowds. Football matches at risk and other sporting events. The London marathon, and of course the UK’s second biggest – Manchester. 5 weeks to go, 13 weeks of a hard plan followed and I must admit I now feel it isn’t going to happen.

What do I do? The motivation suffers.

Are there other smaller ones at around the same time that I can do? When do they close? How’s the logistics? Could I even afford it as no guarantee that Manchester will refund, and it’s trying to get further accommodation.

I’ll be honest, this one was last chance saloon for me. I have been fortunate to be able to get the time to give this a go during a crazy time but that’s unlikely to happen again.

This was my one shot.

For now I carry on and hope for the best but I personally think it’s a matter of time before my dream and hard work disappear to be replaced by a selection of “I wonders” that I will carry for the rest of my life. It might be time to face it.

If it happens then I do get it, of course I do, but it won’t change the fact that I will be gutted, and plenty of you out there will be gutted. Let us fail on our own terms – because we aren’t good enough, because we get the tactics wrong, because it wasn’t our day, but all we want is our day.

All I want is my day.

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